I just want to jot a few things down while my face is still flushed red.

Today, I had a moment, and a feeling, and something happened that hasn't happened to me in a very long time.

I was working, and I wasn't really having a very good day, and these two guys came in asking me for an X Box 360, but we didn't have what he was looking for, but they kept talking to me, and initially I thought the one guy was going to be angry with me but instead they wanted to talk to me further... so I did.

And the one guy was like, "you don't mind talking to use still?" and I was like, "of course not! You know... video games and stuff..." and he was like, "you like games?"

And then we talked about video games and yammered on and on about them. They were both really nice, and they were both eying me up hardcore, and it was a really fun conversation!

And while they were both very nice and very fun to talk to, the one guy was very, very cute and I couldn't tear myself away from them, and he was smiling at me... and... I don't know, they were just VERY NICE!!

And then I had to leave them because of work and I kind of thought it was over, but I really wanted to go back to them... and then the really cute guy came over and put his hand on my shoulder and thanked me for my help and gave me a big smile, and I blushed more than I can remember blushing in a long, long time.

And then I felt it, that feeling of... "oh my God... I'm attracted to him".

I wanted him to come back. I wanted to talk to him and flirt with him. It was this overwhelming feeling of attraction that hasn't consumed me in awhile.

I said to Martha, "Man, what a nice guy!" and I wished he would come back! I hoped I would see him again...

Really, my mind didn't leave that moment once during the night.



I don't know why. It was a really normal occurance for me really, those types of things happen to me EVERY DAY at this stupid job. But for some reason... this caught me offguard, and I allowed myself to feel differently about it.

I mean, when I was talking to him? I was stammering. When do I stammer? Ever?

Well, when I got home, there was a message on my Nexopia inbox from CrimsonRed... and it was HIM!!!

CrimsonRed is a user that has been messaging me lately... every time saying I'm "stunning" or something along those lines, and I never respond because really, what am I supposed to say? But he messaged me saying "thanks for the help at Walmart today!" and I was like, OMFG IT CAN'T BE! It's him!!!

And I told him how embarrassed I am when people recognize me from the internet... and he said he was so nervous when he saw me because he recognized me instantly and he didn't know what to say!

Anyways... we talked for a bit... and he really is a VERY nice guy, and he's VERY cute... and we were definitely flirting online... and I really hope he does ask me out for a date... because I will GLADLY accept!

OH man, I'm totally blushing, he really is very charming! I know it's so soon and such a small thing to get excited about but I guess I can't help it! I thought at Walmart that I'd really like to get to know this guy more and I got my chance, and I know soon enough I'll have even more of a chance!

I really hope he asks me out on a date, I really do. I hope he comes to visit me!

I like this feeling :)





In any case... tomorrow is Branden's party and I'm really excited, because who wouldn't be excited for a Smash Brothers party?


And yesterday I sent Steph an angry message on MSN, and now I think things are about to go really, really sour. She seems pissed... but I can't tell if it's at ME, because she deleted all her blogs on Myspace, and disabled comments on Nexopia and made a catty blog entry, but I still can't tell if it's about me! I just don't know! I think it is, but I really don't want it to be.

I really don't want us to fight. We're not even in each other's lives... and I hate that enough as it is.

I just miss her... fuck. So much I miss her. I hate that life has torn us apart. And I hate that she says things to me all the time that piss me off and make me feel bad about myself because it makes me wonder if she means it, or is she really doing it because everyone else thinks it's funny.

Those are both bad reasons to me, but I guess one is more forgivable than the other.

Ugh... who knows... I just don't want things to really end between us before I leave. I don't need that... I still love her. I always will. Whoever we're hanging out with won't change that.


Oh Stephanie... if only I could just tell that to you. I don't know if you'd appreciate it... but I wish it would.



Oh well. Today I came across a REALLY old story I wrote that was posted on the internet, and MAN, I must say! I was a really good little writer when I was in grade 10! In fact, my writing isn't entierly different from how it is now, and I was pretty impressed.

The plots are FAR better now... but the style hasn't changed that much. It's really cool!


But, in any case... there was a line that really, REALLY struck me, and makes me wonder where the heck I came up with it... because it touched me so deeply.

The two characters in the story (male and female lovers) are waiting in a train station, one that they had just arrived at after getting off the train. They are about to separate... and most likely not see eachother for a very long time. They're sitting together, the female character fawning over him with youthful love, and he's seemingly mindlessly reading the newspaper while they wait. He finally puts down the paper and looks at her and says,

"You know it's funny." he began, "in every story it seems things end in a train station."

I don't know what it is, but to me that seems to be the most perfect summation of romance. Maybe it seemed the same to me at the time... or maybe I had a different reason for writing that, because I go on to have the characters discuss how husbands and lovers always left on trains to the war with their women trailing behind... but I don't know. I just found that to be so touching... I think it's my most favorite thing I've ever writen. I don't know why I'm taking it to heart as deeply as I am...

It seems that every story ends in a train station, with the man riding away, possibly never to return.

"Please promise me that won't happen! Promise me we'll be together again!"


I'm going to write a story based on that line now, I can promise you that.

Oh, hello Livejournal. 

I'm sure I have stuff that I can tell you, so let's get started.

My life continues to be a whirlwind of inexcapable drama, and I guess it's time that I just learned to accept that. I ignore the drama in whatever ways I can: mindless hours spent online, playing Phoenix Wright, driving around aimlessly in my car and listening to Gackt, and that's really all I can do for myself. 

However, it's becoming ever apparent to me that my life needs some drastic change, and soon, and I thank God that this summer that change is coming.

Now, just to get past the waiting...



For one, if I wasn't relocating to Japan this summer, then surely I would be moving either to the city or to the coast like I had previously planned, because living at home has become my number one greivance. I almost can't do it anymore. I don't need to be parented anymore, and I don't need the ever encompassing wings that surround me. I need to go out into the world and find my own path and make my own damn mistakes, and find my own life, away from THEM. 

It's literally everything at this point that I can't stand. My mother's ridiculous and forecful opinions and assumptions. My father's laziness and insanity. I mean, I can stand my Mom, I just can't stand how she thinks she knows fucking EVERYTHING when in actuality she's just assumptive and negative. It's really aggrivating. All I need to say is ONE thing about someone and she thinks she knows everything about them, and it's ALWAYS negative.

One thing that's blatently obvious? Whoever it is I end up marrying, he will never be good enough for my Mom. What a bitch.

And my Dad? Well, I simply can't live with him anymore. I don't even want to go into details because I know what I'm talking about, and I'm almost embarrassed of him to the point that I don't even want to talk about it.

So, without going into details: I want out. I want out so bad. I can't live here anymore, I just can't do it. And  the fact is I HAVE to do it for at least 5 more months... maybe more if I don't have the job and money in time...

But thank fucking God for me leaving. If I didn't know right now that I was moving to Japan pretty soon then I might fucking lose it.

Well, I think either way I would have ended up running away, because I can't do this anymore, and I don't think I would be able to do it with or without knowing about Japan.

Poor me.

Yeah, that's right. I said it. I'm allowed to have some sympathy for myself.

Other than that, life has been pretty desirable lately. I have a car, I've gotten to sleep in most of the week, school is going excellent, and I'm surrounded by friends, and I have things to do constantly. I don't really feel sorry for myself much at all, because life has been so perfect that my annoyance with my parents has been minimal. (Even though that may be misleaning with my bitching about them earlier)

School is fabulous right now, what with not having it on tuesdays and thrusdays. I couldn't be more thrilled about that. It allowes me to sleep in and stay up late, which are my two most favorite things on earth. Although, I've been spending that extra time doing literally nothing but staring at my computer screen. I WANT to write more, and fucking beat my Phoenix Wright games!!!!!! So, my goal for the coming week is to cut down on mindless internetting and step up on productive stuff.

Yeah, that's it.

But I've been focused on my Drawing course lately, which is finally going my way, and I couldn't be more happy about it. To hear constant praise from the teacher that earlier in the year infuriated me beyond all belief is like, almost a blessing. It's just what I needed to help me feel alittle better about my profession of choice once again.

“I might be more sane if we never crossed paths.”

                But that would have been far too easy, wouldn’t it?

 

                “...but what’s life without lacking some dignity?” her lips curled into a devious smile. He could feel a part of her pulsating without laying a finger upon her skin. It breathed apart from her; relentless and impatient.

                The hum of the tired record hung in the air like the tension between them.  He fixated on his breathing as she picked at the seams of her loosely ruffled skirt. He tried to make it seem that he didn’t notice the folds lingering far too high upon her thighs. He could feel her heat as she sat far too close, but just far enough away. She sighed, and he jumped a little.

               “Sometimes I wonder... where I would be if we never met.” His voice was distant, talking as though it were a reflex. He held no real weight in his existential pondering; it was simply the utterance of a teenage boy with air to fill.

                She didn’t look at him, but her face was heavy with discontent.

                “You’d still be hiding in that bush.”

                He felt her pulsating no more.

Hello, Livejournal. I guess I haven't posted in you in awhile, so I guess I should bring you up to speed.

Let's just start by saying that life has been godly ever since I gained a drivers license. Seriously... it is AMAZING. Days and evenings that had previously been spent doing nothing are now spent hanging out with my friends as much as possible, and never a dull moment has arisen. I've been going out every night since I could drive, and every second of it has been so awesome.

I am SO happy. No more boring evenings and weekends for me, no sir.

Another thing to make me happy is how I don't have school on Tuesdays and Thursdays anymore (which technically I do, if I actually went to English) so I've been able to sleep in on those days during the week, which is AWESOME. I don't even have time to be tired during the week because I get to sleep in and have an excellent time doing so. So that rules... and now I'm sure I'll be able to get my homework done...

I'm so happy I quit Design. Not one flash of regret here!

So, that's neat.

I've been spending a lot of time with Branden lately, despite the new found fact that him and Bekki are officially dating. The truth is I want to hate them both for that more than I actually do. Everyone expects me to be so angry about it, but I think the little adult in me kicked in and decided there's no sense in being bitter and immature about it.

Sure, Bekki is so completely the wrong person for him, and she's a total and utter bitch and not ONE of his friends like her, but hey... he likes her, I guess, so I should give him a break, right? Well, I know how long this "relationship" is going to last, so it really doesn't phase me. He already seems fed up with how she treats his friends. She doesnt like any of us at ALL, especially not Amber, who Branden spends all his time with. Amber hates her, Becky hates her, both his brothers hate her, his best friend hates her, and she hates all of us right back. He didn't sound too pleased when Nathen told him what she said about Amber...


Anyway, I sound like a freak, but it isn't going to last 5 minutes.

But I'm kind of happy with him... I mean, he's respectful of me and doesn't talk about her when I'm around. It's like she doesn't exist. We even went to Walmart together yesterday and she was there, and he didn't talk to her. I guess that's also confusing... but hey, I'll take it.

I spent the entire day with Branden yesterday and I didn't even think we were going to hang out this weekend. He called me early in the morning and then we went to West Ed for the whole day, doing nothing basically. Then we went back to his place where him, me, Nathen and Calen chilled out playing Smash Brothers and watching Pure Pwnage. It was really a lot of fun, because I just love spending time with those boys. I feel like I'm hanging out with my own brothers when I'm with them.

Then Calen left and at about 10:30 Branden went to the bar with Bekki (I wasn't invited, but that was a silent understanding) and I stayed at their place until 12:30 playing Turok with Nathen. It was so much fun.

So, needless to say, I'm not upset he's dating Bekki. Maybe Branden and I will never be romantic... but we really don't need to be. I don't need romance right now, and he's my best friend, so it really doesn't matter. Like... it really doesn't. We still manage to have all the fun in the world physically possible, and that is fine enough for me!

All I ever really wanted in my life is pure, unadulterated fun, and now I have it, so what more could I ask for?

Sometime this week I'm gonna bring me computer over and we're going to play WoW until we can't move anymore, and I am excited for that, because I MISS WoW big time. And Branden is trying his best to make it to Karaoke this week, so I really hope that happens!

Anyway. On Friday I went to the Whiskey for a bit with Lexi, Dan, Katelin and Bekki (lol) and that was okay, it would have been more fun if I were drinking and dancing but I was driving so I couldn't. (I FINALLY understand....)

Then Shawn called me and said he and Harmel were in Spruce and I wanted to hang out with them so we met up at Boston Pizza. Harmel is ALWAYS a really good time, but Shawn was in SUCH an awful mood that Harmel and I both told him basically to fuck off and we left. He was being such a jerk to me, and I could NOT stand it, and Harmel was getting SO pissed off. So... I'm not fucking talking to Shawn right now. He is such an asshole to me lately and I really don't want anything to do with it. I hate how he treats me. Ugh.

So Harmel and I went and found Brad, then went to Brad's house for the rest of the night. It turned out to be SUCH a fun time, just the three of us chilling at Brad's, the both of them getting wasted, and telling jokes and bullshitting like old times. IT was seriously a lot of fun, and I hope we do that again soon, when I'm a little less tired as I was that night!

So yeah, that was basically my weekend, it was thoroughly enjoyable, I hope to have many more like them! (Although I'm working weekends again soon... but I have a car so I can still go out after work!)

So now it's sunday and my only plan is to play Phoenix Wright because I NEED to finish the 3rd one, because I have the 4th one still looming over me! And Branden is already finished it and I CANT WAIT to play it so we can talk about it!!!

Yep... life is good.



And aren't you happy that we made it THIS FAR without talking about Japan?!

Well, that's because I haven't got anything new to report there at all. It's all kind of at a stand still now until April, then I'll get to be excited again. Until then, my life is saving money and having fun and doing well at school. Seems simple enough to me, and I just LOVE IT.

Oh, hello Livejournal. I haven't posted in you for awhile. I guess I should bring you back up to speed from my last outburst.

Let's just start by saying, knowing that I am leaving is really... making everything HARDER. I thought it would make life easier but it's only complicated matters for the time being. It's complicated school, work, money, and most of all, my heart. For awhile, after knowing that I was moving away, everything just stopped and I could sleep easy again with no constant stress and feelings beating at me. But in typical Kim fashion, my life has only became more of a whirlwind with the time and preparations going on.

Nothing is easy, especially not packing up and running away.

The Branden problems are worse than ever, and it's getting harder for me to handle. I spent the entire week with him... and the entire week... he lied to me. Over and over. He thinks that I have no idea about Becky... he thinks I'm a fucking retard. Well, you know what Branden? I WISH I didn't know. I wish I didn't know that you were off sucking face with the dumbest blond bimbo in ALL of Walmart that not ONE of your friends like. I wish I didn't know that you were just another shallow guy that just wanted to chase skinny airheads with no substance other than their skin. I really wish you were right, and that I am a fucking idiot that has literally no idea about all this.

But sorry, I'm not a retard, and I can see right through your lies and clever ad libs. Every time you say the word "they" or "them" you might as well just say her name, because I'm getting sick of you carefully dancing around it.

I wish he could just be honest with me...

And the problem is... I totally fucking let this all slide, because he has me completely charmed. it's pathetic on my behalf. Instead of confronting him and talking to him about it, I just contain my anger and spend every waking moment with him.

GOD, I hate him. Except I don't, I just really hate this whole retarded situation.


A situation that will be EASILY remedied when I leave. Which I am doing. In less than 6 months.

Sigh... seriously, no one is ever going to hear the end of it until the day the time comes when I board that plane and fly on out into my dreams...

But, it's happening! All the cards are being put into place to go! IT'S HAPPENING.

But the fact that it's happening is making me SO apathetic to my life here, right now. I don't want to do my homework because it doesn't matter. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to work. I Don't want to do ANYTHING because it's all pointless now! (except, work really isnt pointless).

I dropped Design and I might still drop Art History, but not just yet.  Now I have a chance to get good marks in my other classes, AND pick up an extra 16 hours a week so I can save my moneys.

In any case, I am in the last hour of Reading Week currently, and let me tell you I am very sad to see it already be over. I know there isn't much left of this semester and ultimately... there isn't much school left for me at ALL but it's times like this that I am forced to live with my procrastination and fear of the days ahead of me. It's not wonder that I don't sleep, my mind is never without extreme amounts of anxiety, especially for school. Tomorrow i have to hand in my ink wash project, which turned out EXCELLENT and I hope to GOD I get at least a B- on... even though the eyes are fucked up... and I have to hand in my installation which is NOT installed and no where near being finished.

Why? Because I procrastinated for an entire week.

I'm a fucking idiot. Of course, it isn't until NOW, 10:50pm sunday night that I realize it, but I am a fucking idiot. I got nothing done, and now I have to deal with it.


But that's not to say I did nothing this Reading Week. I got my lisence, which is the single most amazing feeling in the WORLD. THANK FUCKING GOD. I will no longer have to spend my weekends on the couch with my parents, no sir. I can actually go out and EXPERIENCE the world with my friends. Thank fucking God. Seriously. I cannot reitterate how awesome this is. Ive gone out every night since I've had it and every night has been awesome.

Driving around... going where I want... listening to Saosin and Gackt at the top of my speakers... singing at the top of my lungs... rolling through stop signs... it has been AMAZING, and will continue to be AMAZING.

God I'm just so happy now.

So, at the very least, I have being able to drive to make me happy and forget about my apathy for a bit, because now I can actually ahng out with my friends.

Anyway.

I dropped out of Design so I don't have school Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I get to sleep in this week! But I have to start working on those days like... right now... so tomorrow I am going to Walmart and demanding some extra hours, goddamnit.

I'm also going to the doctor tomorrow to get some immigration things settled out, such as what kind of contreceptive I can take with me for over a year, and getting my Passport signed. It's just a tiny step on the long ladder of getting the fuck to Japan, but seriously? Every single step counts and feels HUGE at this point. I feel accomplished every time I do something small for it, just because I know that those little things I do are all going to be a part of a huge change in my life.

So, I'm looking forward to going to the doctor tomorrow and being like, "Hey dude, I'm moving to Japan. Gimme contraceptives, and sign my Passport."


Today, my old neighbors came over to visit with my parents, and of course the topic of school came up as I was doing my homework. Heather asked me, "so how's school going?"

"Well... yeah... I'm sick of it."

My Mom went on to explain how I'm "jaded" and lost my zest... and Heather asks, "so what are you doing then?"

And my Mom answers, "Well, she's moving to Japan in August!"


Seriously? To hear my Mom actually say it, and inform someone else about it... it made it all seem more real. Like, I'm not the one telling everyone, and every time I tell someone they don't seem convinced. But my Mom telling someone? It makes it real.

And simteltaniously my Dad was telling Dale the same thing, which was also cool. Another cool thing to hear from my Dad?

"Well, you never know. She might just call home one day and tell us she's getting married."

That's the second time my Dad has said that. At the resturaunt the other day I told him he should come visit me when I'm there, and he replied, "Well, Mom and I are thinking about it. I mean, you might end up getting married there..."

It's like my Dad is reading right through my intentions.

Of course, it seems totally juvinile of me to expect to whisk myself off to a foreign country and magically find the man of my dreams...

But... you know... it's not as though that CAN'T happen... right?

I've had a Japanese import boyfriend before... and it can happen again!



Anyway, God I'm ranting and wasting time.

Let's just sum it all up: tomorrow is gonna suck. The next 2 months are gonna suck. Everything is going to suck until April when I start taking my course, which might also suck but at least then I'll be REALLY close to going to Japan.

WHICH IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING.





Oh God, Livejournal, you are going to get SO SICK of me in the next few months. I apologize ahead of time...

Sometimes I amaze myself at how composed I can actually remain in situations where it would just be so easy for me to break down and cry.

But of course, I'd never do that.  Not me, I'm Kimberley Hope Kemmer, I'm the calmest, coolest, easy going cat that any school anywhere has ever seen! Never a tear shall grace these sweet cheeks... no sir...

Well, at least that's what pretty much everyone thinks. I can't count how many times I've been accused of lacking compassion and emotions. Truth is I've just learned all this time how to remain composed... because tears will never get you anywhere.

They certainly won't get you anywhere in front of your Program Chair who you've just poured your heart out to.

But let me tell you, I sure almost cried. She even asked me if I wanted a Kleenex. I declined of course, why would I need Kleenex? I'm too composed to cry.

But I was so close. A second longer with Darcy's soulful eyes tearing into me I would have surely lost my cool. It was like she wanted to break my hard exterior.

Sorry, but no one does that.

NO ONE.


In any case, I had a meeting with Darcy today, because I was feeling at wits end about school and Cheri (that whore) and the big giant F I received on my latest drawing assignment. Boy, was I fuming, and I was going to do something about it. But there's something about Darcy that disarms you in a second, and suddenly my fuming, fiery rage was totally lost.

I don't really want to go into great detail about what was discussed... because I know what she said and I have to live with it., But basically, she told me, before I had a chance to tell her what I had to say, that she knew I was very, very unhappy, and that this wasn't the place for me.

What, like it isn't written ALL over my face?

She asked me if I were happy. I told her that I had never been more fucking miserable as I have been this entire year. Like... truly and honestly miserable. Like a day doesn't go past where I don't contemplate my life and all that's wrong with if because of this infernal school.

(Holy shit, I finally used the word "infernal" in a sentence. I have Phoenix Wright to thank for that, of course.)

So any way, blah blah blah, "I'm unhappy/not doing well", and then I told her that I'm not coming back next year.

You know, to tell someone that you're essentially "giving up" is hard, and this is where I started to lose my composure a little. It's hard to admit that you're not doing well at something you're trying SO HARD to do well at. It's hard to admit that you're not the best. It's hard to admit your humanity, essentially.

"You have the talent, you have the creativity, but this isn't where you want to be, and you know that."

Thank you for articulating it, Darcy.

So, I told her I'm not coming back, that I'm going to follow my dreams in Nippon and try not to worry about what I'm going to do if and when I come back.

She told me that I'm a designer... I always have been... and I shouldn't abandon what I love the most.

And I love design.

I told her about when I worked at Calder Batemen. I've been thinking a lot about it lately. I was truly happy there. I didn't question my life every waking moment. I didn't worry about the future, and stress out about who I was and where I was going. When I worked there... I thought I was going to be there forever, and I was HAPPY with that. I WANTED that. I wanted to stay there and learn the ways of the Design world and work my way up and be HAPPY.

I'm not saying that I wish I didn't go to college. These past two years have been fun, at times. It's been a learning experience. But it has never once been what I needed. It has never once been something I loved. I don't love college. I don't love anything about it

So, as we all well know, I'm leaving for a year, and it is actually 100% official now, and I'm dropping out of drawing so that I can finish the year with good marks.

And when I get back? Who knows. Who knows if I'm even coming back. Maybe a year won't be long enough to find myself and my true purpose. Maybe when I'm done my year (possibly 1 and a half years) in Japan I'll just move on to the next country. Maybe I'll get married in Japan and stay there. Maybe I'll come home to Edmonton and move to Vancouver right away and get that film job I have waiting for me. Maybe I'll go back to school somewhere.

Who knows.

All I know is... my life is actually starting. The dream I've carried since I was wearing a training bra is coming to fruition and it's changing my life before it even happens. I think... it's going to change my entire life altogether. I think going to Japan is going to be the thing that makes me find myself and my place and where it is that I go from here.

From my parent's living room to Tokyo, to where? I think I'm finally going to find out.

It's so exciting to know it's just around the corner. My "coming of age" is coming on fast.

I'm ready. For every single second of it. I'm ready to be a minority. I'm ready to live alone and struggling. I'm ready to meet someone, which I know I will. I'm ready to take control of my life and break free of the proverbial wings that have been sheltering me all these years.

I'm not just moving out of my parent's house and my comforts of home. I'm moving away from the entire country, the entire culture, and I'm ready.

So fucking ready.

What a wonderful weekend I just had. I mean, I did nothing. I had no stress looming over me about homework. I had no pressing deadlines. No 8 hours of hell at work. Just... relaxing. I beat Justice For All, which was SO EPIC TO THE EXTREME, I watched South Park, and basically didn't do much else.

What an epic weekend.

So anyway, I can't help but come here and complain just a little bit. It seems as though literally everyone around me is hooking up, and that gets me down. I know complaining and wishing and hoping will get me nowhere, but this is my blog and I reserve the right to exclaim: I'd like to hook up too.

Hook up in the "find a cute partner to spend all my time with" sort of way.

You know, it'd just be nice for at least a little while to have someone to call, and perhaps snuggle wtih. Maybe kiss. Maybe go to the movies with.

Maybe fuck.

And of course, putting it in those terms it sure makes it seem like I don't really want it. I kind of do, I kind of don't. You know me, I can't hardly make up my mind in any department.

 You know, I'm almost worried that I'm losing my ability to flirt. Like, this kind of hot guy came into work yesterday. He was hot and I decided, "hey, let's flirt with this guy" but I couldn't get more out than "just gimme a shout if you need help."

Did I even smile? Did I even make myself the SLIGHT bit obvious? I don't think so.

I think I'm going to die alone.


At least in THIS country.

But the thing is, I look back on this past year of being alone, and I look at the guys I've "been" with during that time... and have I ever actually LIKED any of them? Did I stay interested for more than five minutes?

The cuddling, kissing, cuteness and fucking was never enough. Every single guy I've gone out with this year couldn't hold my interest for more than five minutes. (Except for Drew, but we won't go there.)

So, am I really the kind of person who needs to meet "THAT GUY" to meet someone and be happy? I can't just like... meet someone and like them a lot until I leave?

OR is it because I know I'm leaving that I subconciously can't meet someone? Am I pushing guys away? Have I broken my flirt powers?

IF that's the case, BAD KIM, STOP IT. STOP. BAD. It's going to be quite a few months before I get to enjoy the Asian men, who I LOVE AND ADORE, so I might as well find SOMEONE to pass the time with before I go.

Seriously. I must revive my flirt powers because this is just WHACK.



In any case, one more week till Reading Week. Going to Jasper on friday and I'm UBER excited to get drunk and brush off Branden, as much as I love him, and go skiing.


And holy fuck, all I do is listen to Saosin. Jesus fuck. I love them so much it hurts. Within two weeks I've probably listened to "Seven Years" AND "Seven Years Acoustic" over 300 times... and I'm not about to stop!

My Mom and I had an interesting, albeit short conversation yesterday.

It started out with my Dad asking her about Phoenix Wright. She began gushing about it, and naturally, I joined in. It is, after all, my favorite video game in the history of video games. Finally, I made the comment, "I just love Phoenix so much. I wish he were real, I'd marry him automatically and not waste anytime."

Now, you need to understand that my Mother has something wrong with her. You can say literally ANYTHING and she'll have some totally unrelated, bullshit advice waiting for just the right moment. I guess, this was just that moment.

"Well, maybe if you just started realizing that gay men will never make you happy, you WILL get married."


What?


"Wait a second Mom... what are you saying?"

Oh shit, we're in this now.

"There's been tonnes of movies about the subject Kim, you need to get over gay men because they will NEVER make you happy. They're not interested in you, you can't be in love with them, and I don't care how unattracted you are to real men, you just need to get over it, because a gay man can't make you happy."

WHAT?!

"Who are you insinuating that's gay that I'm in love with?"

"Oh, no one."

"Well, you obviously..."

"Well, obviously Phoenix is gay, because that's the only type of guy you ever fall in love with. Your WHOLE life it's been gay guys. Except for Drew, and you hate him."


Oh God Mom, just please shut up.


While it's cute that she's obviously part of the fandom that claims Phoenix to be gay (with Edgey!), it's not cute that she insists that I only love gay guys. Sure, I have a large amount of gay friends. My best friend and first boyfriend turned out to be gay. My best friend in college turned out to be gay. She still thinks Shawn is gay. And I've had multiple crushes on guys that turned out to be gay.

SO WHAT?!

I'm at the point in my life where I CAN actually tell who's gay and who isn't. The thing is, I'm almost exclusively attracted to afemmenite men. I don't want "Mister Sports Jock". I don't want "Mister Rig Pig". I don't like manly men. I like pretty guys who care about more important things, like music and video games. I like guys that care about how they look.

And I think at this point I'm just describing Branden, because I have concluded that Branden is the perfect specimen of a male, and I will compare every man in my life to him forever.

And Branden is a STRAIGHT!Male!


SO anyway, I think my Mom is stupid. She has such little faith in me in every single department. Of course, she gets it from HER Mom, who has NO faith in her, and it's so adament when we're all together. But I wish my Mom would aim to be different and let me live my life in the way I want to live it, without her stupid little pointless tidpits thrown into conversastions about things totally unrelated.

Maybe I don't really want to date just anyone, because I don't. I'm happy being single and 20. I don't need to get married any time soon, and I would happily go another year single because I know I'm moving next summer to the coast.

Of course I want to be with Branden, of that there is no doubt, but I don;t even want to date him THAT BAD, otherwise I would be doing just that right now.



So lay off, Mom. The only person I'll be marrying any time soon is a gay lawyer on a video game.

Oh dear God, I don't think I've ever been quite as addicted to something as I am the Phoenix Wright Kink Meme right now. Holy shit. Some people should never let me near the internets... or at least Livejournal, because it ignites every flame in my closet fangirl body.

Sometimes I think to myself, "Jesus Christ, if anyone ever took the time to go through my browser history, they'd never talk to me again."

They'd learn so much about me... they'd learn all the little secrets that I keep safetly locked away within the confines of my laptop.

It's times like this that I'm compelled to reflect on the double life that I have started leading without me even realizing it. Or, perhaps I'm compelled to reflect on the fact that there isn't a large amount of people that actually know me.

Well, even then. No one knows what I do online except for me, and except for the public internet places where people kind of know what it is I do.

But I spend so much time online, and so much of that time isn't just spent on Nexopia or Facebook... and no one besides ME has any idea what it is I'm doing out here on the internets.

Maybe this is an innate problem with the e-culture that I have so enthusiastically made my own. Someone like me who spends more time online than off immediately starts to create a double life for themselves.

I mean, let's look at it this way:

Unless the girls in my class have spent vast amounts of time researching me on the internet, they have literally no idea what interests me or what I do in my spare time. They all think I'm just a normal, average chick with normal, average interets. Not one of them could possibly surmise that I spend countless hours on Livejournal reading complete fucking crack Kink Meme contributions for a fandom about a fictional lawyer.

They don't know that I've seen more pornography than God, and that there is nothing left in the world that you can show me that can truly churn my stomach. They don't know that I never, ever, ever log on to the internet without keeping 4chan.org open at all times because I'm a complete fuckin /b/tard and I couldn't possibly miss a minute of the lulz.

You know what? Unless they've been to my Nexopia, or have read my blogs, they have no idea that I'm a NERD. They have NO IDEA that my life revolves around video games, they probably have no idea that I even PLAY video games.


They know me in real life, and they see me more than anyone else... but they have NO IDEA WHO I ACTUALLY AM.



So I guess what I'm arriving at is... am I more myself on the internet than I am in real life? Do the people I talk to online for the most part know the real me better than people I see every single day, and spend like, 10 hours a day with?

Well, I can answer my own question: when it comes to who I am at school... YES, I am more myself on the internet. I don't know what it is, but I have been forced to create a persona for myself that isn't a total flaming fucking fantard so that I can communicate and even for friendships with what I tend to call normal people.



And really, there isn't anything wrong with that. I truly don't mind leaving my obsessions where they belong. The internet is truly a personable tool for people like me who can't express themselves in quite the way they'd like daily. I think this kind of repression is something nessecary in order for someone to function in polite society.

But the problem lies in the fact that when I'm at school, there is a day and night difference between who I am there and who I am when I'm at work with my main friends.

They KNOW me as a geek. They don't know me as anything else. They ONLY know the Kim that's addicted to video games, and WoW, and as the chick they can talk about anything even remotely nerdy with because hey, I'm a nerd.

They wouldn't be able to recognize me if they saw me at school. I'm two entirely different people. Just the thought of it makes me cringe a little. How can I stand living such a double life?

I want to switch my roles one day. I want to hang out with my friends as the passive, quiet chick at school, and I want to go to school as the loud, obnoxious fan bot that I am everywhere else in my life.

It'd be really interesting. It's really interesting to reflect on this all as it is.

I'm two different people.

Neat.



Anyways, that was alittle bit of a rant. Now for some daily tidbits of my mundane existance:

I have so much homework, it's horrible. As I predicted earlier in the week, my absence from two days of school has really set me back quite far. It's sad to think that if you miss all of TWO DAYS you'll get miles behind, but such is the life of an art student.

I'm actually going to have to take my homework HOME this weekend. I NEVER do that. EVER. That's my rule: I leave school AT school. But. not this weekend. I have far too much painting to do.

No sleep for me this weekend!

Tonight I'm going to Branden's to play Smash Brothers and watch Pokemon. I'm decently excited. I always look forward to our end of the week, late night geek fest. And now that he has a license, hopefully our nights together wont be totally limited to only ONE night out of the week.

And, him getting his license has been an inspiration to me to STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND JUST GET IT. For fucks sake. Next week. Seriously. This is past stupid now, and I'm so tired of it. I don't have the time to go get, so I'm just going to have to MAKE THE TIME.


Mmmhmm.


In other news, I need to sign up for my summer art history class right away so I don't fuck up next year for myself. Seriously. And I have to turn down the internet this week and turn up the text books becauise I have a stupid midterm next friday.

Seriously, it never ends.

I love school but I am SO ready for a break. Reading Week will just be a big tease in light of summer break being so close I can taste it. I am SO going to enjoy this summer, SO MUCH. Oh man. I can't wait.


I need to get my hair done, because I'm sick of looking like a hobo. I also can't wait to get another tattoo, and the daily thought of waiting for it is killing me. If I wasn't going to Jasper pretty soon, I'd go get it right now.


So yeah, it's obvious I have nothing more to say. I've clearly been exhausting my writing talents for devious Kink Meme reasons. Obviously.

Okay, time for a real blog entry.

I haven't had internet in days, and it feels delightful to have it back. I also haven't gone to school in days... and that WAS feeling delightful until today, when I actually just feel really guilty about it. There's basically no excuse for not going today (other than I'm so STUPID and I should have listened to my Mom and went with her this morning instead of hoping my Dad's truck would start this afternoon... note to self: I have terrible ideas) and now I'm stuck at home to wallow in my fear of how much fucking work I'm going to have to do for the next two weeks.

Dear God. It's horrible.

In any event, it's been good lately. The work weekend was a fun weekend, although I dreaded it with every fibre of my being... it managed to be a good time. I went to Branden's friday night with Jamie and we had Bad Movie Night which proved to be amazing and epic in every respect. Then we played Rock Band until 5am... and I sang until I could literally not force a voice out of my throat anymore. It was funny. God I love singing, and God I love Rock Band.


And Branden... dear God Branden... it's as though he wants me to get down on my knees and propose marriage to him right now. He's out to consume my heart in every respect. I mean... we talked about Phoenix Wright the entire day and night on friday. Was I in love? You betcha.

SO on that note, I must mention that the Jasper trip we were planning is officially a go! The hotel and gas is all paid for already, and we're all just DYING to get out there! I'm going with Branden, Amber, Lexi and Dan, and it's going to be FUCKING AMAZING. I CAN'T WAIT. It's going to be slightly expensive though, with the day at the hill costing over 100 dollars... and food... and booze... and the goggles I need to buy and clubbing clothes needed...

But SO WORTH IT.

I'm just so excited. And then it's Reading Week after that, so I can do whatever I want for an entire week!


Which is code for... Im probably living at Branden's all week. God, I'm so predictable.



Anyway... not much else I really have to say. My Dad's truck started and I can actually go to school now. So, I better go, because I haven't been there in awhile!

I have had no internet for three days due to the extreme weather. So, what did I do during this time? Besides play ungodly amounts of Phoenix Wright, I also did something I NEVER do... write fanfiction.

This is the fanfiction I wrote for a prompt for the Phoenix Wright Kink Meme, and I'm really happy with it. So, Constant Readers, I do hope you enjoy!






He could hear her in the other room. Tapping the pen against the paper. Breath. Sigh. Rattle.

Tap tap tap.

He could hear her breathing. She always breathed in staggered gasps as though she was constantly holding her breath. She would breathe in, and seemed to hold it for as long as possible... then she exhaled in a prounounced fashion. Over and over and over and over.

Why does she do that?

He didn’t know what she was doing, but he knew it was something. She never did just nothing. To him it seemed as though every single moment of her day had a set agenda and she was always determined to keep to her subconscious schedule.

Why doesn’t she just go outside for five seconds?

It was starting to consume Phoenix, and he found himself fixating on every tiny little thing Maya did, day in and day out... and he could stand it no longer.

They had lived together for what seemed like a countless amount of time... although if Phoenix gave half a thought about it, he’d be able to pinpoint the very seconds in total.

Having Maya live with him made Phoenix realize just how generous and patient he really was as a person, and as a man, but he had long since been feeling as though the novelty of Maya and her perpetual excitement had worn off... along with her welcome.

I can’t even stand how you breathe.

Phoenix had been laying on the couch in the living room for an amount of time marked only by Maya’s constant tapping of her pen. They had an unspoken understanding that when Phoenix was in the living room, which was rare, that Maya must do her best to leave him alone. She had always passed it off as a part of being “an old man” but for Phoenix, is was truly a time for him to reclaim dominance over the household that he had let be taken over by what he still regarded as his “long term house guest”.

As he lay awake he glanced around the room, and within every eyeshot was something belonging to or influenced by Maya. Her slippers in the middle of the room, a pen laying alone in the corner, a decorative wine glass filled with translucent glass rocks.
He felt a pang of annoyance.

Phoenix knew the he was fighting a losing battle when it came to retaining his hold on the apartment’s tidiness and decor when a young woman like Maya claimed it as her own abode. Phoenix had always been an entirely anal house keeper- something his mother had always showered him with her utmost praise for- and Maya’s careless messiness had bothered him since day one. He had confronted her on countless occasions about “learning to respect my house and the order in which I want things” but Phoenix’s demands were always met with total and utter apathy on Maya’s behalf.

As another wave of annoyance washed over him, Phoenix sat up and off the couch, and headed towards his bedroom.

He didn’t pass the dining room where Maya had been busying herself during his “living-room” time, but he no less heard the characteristic sounds of her acknowledging his heavy footsteps. He could almost feel the loud “does this mean I can watch TV now?” on the tip of her tongue, but the question never came as Phoenix deliberately closed his bedroom door behind him, leaving Maya to draw her own conclusions about the usage of the television.


Phoenix heavily plopped down on his bed, and lay uncovered as the rubbed his eyes and ran his hands through his hair. He folded his hands behind his head and sighed as he listened for the almost pre-programmed noises that were about to follow. At first, there was silence, and Phoenix imagined Maya was currently in the dining room, listening for precisely the same thing he was listening for. Finally, he heard the chair pull out from the table across the hard wood floor, and then determined footsteps trail towards the living room. He winced as he heard Maya throw herself upon the couch. She never just sits, she always falls. He then heard the rising buzz of mingled voices coming from the television, and he sighed again as he closed his eyes.

Phoenix had been spending a large amount of time in his bedroom lately, as it had become the only thing in his apartment that she hadn’t started to claim. It was his and only his, and no amount of Phoenix’s lack of dominance was going to change that. It was the only place in his house that he could truly be himself, and not have to feign calmness and understanding that he had being feinging for what seemed to be ages at that point.

It was also the only place in his household where his biggest secret, kept so excruciantingley from Maya was even remotely apparent.

Phoenix was the only one who could see or even recognize the tiny and incredibly faint hints that had been left in the room. The gray sock beside the bed. The toothpick on the bedside table. The tiniest little handprint on the window. Had Maya ever dared enter Phoenix’s room, she would never even see the signs, and this excited Phoenix. To the untrained eye... they were nothing but normal bedroom sights. To Phoenix... they were a world of false alibis, ridiculously late nights and early mornings, and a part of Phoenix that he had simply not been able to admit to Maya.

It’s like getting away with murder.


There were times he wondered how she could possibly not know. They lived together... and the apartment just wasn’t that big... how could she have never heard them? It almost aggravated Phoenix that he could describe her every moment during a day spent at home, yet she had no idea that he was exploring the realms of his double life every night in the comfort of his own bedroom... and the arms of his adoring lover.

Phoenix lay blinking at the roof with the many thoughts of his nightly endeavours flashing before his glossy gaze. Finally, he turned his head into his pillow, from which he could smell the overwhelmingly evident scent of his silver-haired companion. He breathed in deep, letting the scent consume him and fill his stomach with the tingling of butterflies, and exhaled long and deep as the buried his face in further into the pillow.

He lay with his eyes closed and he felt himself sink into relaxation... his thoughts and annoyances of his roommate quickly escaping him, along with his consciousness.

However, the descent into his long awaited nap was halted by the startling sound of silence resounding outside his bedroom door. As much as Phoenix wanted to revel in the rarity, he simply could not accept this as something to overlook.

She wouldn’t have left without telling me... would she?

With defeat and reluctance, Phoenix crawled off the bed. He knew if he opened his door and stepped out that he would lose all chance for the rest of the day at having a nap, but he simply could not shake the feeling of discomfort at the growing silence outside.

He dragged his feet towards the door, and lightly pulled it open with a sigh of defeat.

Phoenix braced himself. It was almost as though he expected Maya to burst out from under the carpet at him spewing the generic and unintellegable excitement that she seemed to never belay. He was met with the tension of the resounding silence.

He warily walked to the living room and found her sitting, staring aimlessly across the room towards the white washed wall.

“M....Maya?”

Her chest rose as she inhaled and looked at him. Her eyes were distant, and calm, and he knew something was wrong.

“Why aren’t you watching TV?” He asked in an almost uncomfortably casual way. “I thought you’ve been waiting all day.”

“I...”

She looked at him, and he could tell that she was clearly at war with herself. She didn’t breathe in her gasps, and she didn’t burst out into excitement. She just looked at him with longing and conflict.

He crossed his arms and continued to stare at her, his face filled with questioning. The room was completely silent as they looked at each other, blankly.

“Maya, what is your problem?” Once again Phoenix knew he had sounded a little too casual for the current situation... but he couldn’t bring himself to force any concern into his voice. Of course he was concerned, but he was mildly annoyed as well that Maya had suddenly lost her ever present voice, and now, when he was asking her questions he felt imperative, she gave him nothing more but a blank stare.

Suddenly, her lips curled into a smile.

“You worry far too much, Nick.” She spoke so soft and quietly that Phoenix hardly registered the fact that she had even spoken. Was this composure he suddenly saw in his roommate?

Phoenix sighed, and began to rub the back of his neck in an act of discomfort.

“Well... I mean...”

Maybe he did worry too much.

“I just thought maybe something was wrong... I mean... you’re usually glued to the TV when I’m laying down.”

Maya continued to smile, as Phoenix continued to rub his neck and examine her. He realized then that it had been quite a while since he and Maya had really spent much “quality” time with each other. Although they lived and worked side by side, the two never truly communicated outside of those terms. While working, they discussed work. At home, they each kept to themselves. Maya had started to make some friends in the city and she had been going out with them when she wasn’t working or didn’t have anything pressing to do in the apartment. When she was at home, she spent most of her time in her room on her computer.

Phoenix was never home often either: he had taken up the habit of sleeping in the office when the nights grew too late. Work had been piling up for him and most of his time was spent working. Any free time was spent catching up on much needed sleep, as he had just been previously trying to do, or it was spent living the double life that he had been forced to invent many false alibis to keep his secret from Maya.

Maya giggled to herself. Phoenix wondered if he was the only one who could feel the tension in the air, because his roommate was clearly far more relaxed than he was.

Finally, she reached for the television remote, and immediately the tension was cut. Phoenix was visibly relieved, although still entirely confused at what had just transpired. In an instant, Maya had already seemed captivated by whatever it was she was watching, and she didn’t seem to notice Phoenix’s gaze still fixated upon her.

“Come on, Nick, I know you’re tired! Come watch some TV with me!” Maya exclaimed, acknowledging him. She patted the seat next to her, and Phoenix quietly accepted the invitation as he crossed the room and sat down beside her.

He leaned back comfortably into the soft couch, once again sighing, folding his hand over his forehead and closing his eyes. Maya continued watch TV as Phoenix relaxed next to her, and the two seemed comfortable in the rare closeness.

As he rested, Phoenix’s mind started to already wander away from the previous event, and towards the thoughts of where he wanted to be just then. He wondered what his lover was doing then. He wondered when the next time he’d be able to see him would be. He felt the butterflies once again rise in his stomach, and he seemed numb to the warmth of the young woman next to him.

In fact, Phoenix had so quickly disregarded all that had just happened that he never would have known that Maya had been watching him this entire time.

“I’m in love with you, Phoenix.”

Maya’s voice cut the silence like a dagger. Phoenix opened his eyes as he felt his heart sink and a knot form in his throat. He didn’t look at her.

“Maya... what did you just say?”

Too casual, Phoenix.

Maya was beaming as she leaned in closer to him. Suddenly, Phoenix could feel her warmth.

“I can’t keep it to myself anymore,” she said, clearly suppressing the desire to scream with excitement, “I’m in love with you. I’m... in love with you, Phoenix.”

Phoenix felt all the color fade from his face, and a bead of cold sweat appear on his forehead. He was speechless, and frozen in place. A million thoughts washed over him. He truly never expected this from her.
He knew not what to say or do, or even how to react. Phoenix had been totally blindsided by this confession, and he felt as though he wouldn’t be able to handle this politely.

He didn’t look at her. He kept staring forward, his eyes wide, his face pale and his mouth slightly gaping.

How do I respond to this? What do I do?

A part of him wanted to just get up and go back to his bedroom and lock the door behind him, never to come out. A part of him wanted to hold Maya against his chest and tell her that he loved her as well... if only to avoid having to tell her otherwise.

Phoenix calculated his next move long and hard, he almost felt as though he were in court. Of course, were he in court he wouldn’t have the overwhelming need to be treat his next move with such sensitivity. But he knew Maya... and he knew that whatever he could possibly say would probably result in tears on her behalf... and he needed to say something that could aleiviate as much tears as possible.

“Maya... look.”

He finally felt as though he knew what he was going to say. He was calm and composed, although he lost a hint of composure when he saw her chest rise with hopefulness at the sound of his voice.

He couldn’t bear to look directly at her. When he looked at her, he could only see the young, hyper teenager that she had always been to him, and not the adult that she was quickly turning into.

“I haven’t been completely honest with you.” Phoenix felt the sting of his own words pierce through them. By the way her face changed at that statement, it was almost as if she knew perfectly well what she was just about to be told.

Phoenix cursed her for her ignorance just then. He wanted so badly to blame her for being so blind to whom he truly was, and where his heart truly lay. But Phoenix knew that he had covered it well, and she was not to shoulder any of the blame. To the greatest extent did he go to keep his nightly endeavours the most guarded of secrets, if not because of the fear he felt about the truth behind himself, then because of his lover’s encouragement to keep it quiet.

But Phoenix knew that it was all more than just secret, evening rendezvous. He knew that he had treaded into a life that he could never come back from. He knew that admitting to Maya about what he had been doing all these months while she was out, or simply in the next room, was going to change everything.

He also knew that he was in love with Miles Edgeworth.

He finally looked at her, if only for a hint of reassurance. He was met with the growing discouragement in her eyes. He regretted looking at her, he knew this was only going to make it harder.

He opened his mouth to speak the empty words that he had been plotting over the last few minutes, but surprisingly, Maya beat him to it.

“You don’t need to justify yourself... if you don’t love me back... you don’t need to explain it.” Maya’s voice was low and Phoenix knew he could hear the tiniest shake in it. The disappointment in her words was so heavy, and Phoenix wasn’t sure he could bear disappointing her further.

“It’s not that I don’t love you, Maya.” He started, and he was surprised at the ease in which his words came. “Of course I love you, you’re like a little sister to me.”

He was certain he saw a flash of annoyance flow across her face. He also knew that was probably the most insensitive and cliché thing he could have said. His insides were churning.

“And the thing is...”

Now is the time, Phoenix. You have to do this.

“Well, you see...”

I have to tell her! She needs to know! I need to admit this to her and myself!

“I...”

Maya threw both hands upon her knees and got up off the couch. She turned and looked down on him, his face white with dread and perplexity.

“Whatever, Nick. You don’t need to explain yourself.” Her voice was forceful, but he knew that she was concealing a world of tears. “I can take a hint.”

She stormed off to her bedroom, with Phoenix letting out a weak, “Maya, wait...” which he knew probably sounded as dishonest as he felt when he said it. He heard the door close behind her, and he sat in silence as he stared after her, waiting for the inevitable sounds of her sobs. It wasn’t before long that he heard them; the sounds of her crying into her pillow, high and frequent as though she were laughing. His heart sank deeper than he could ever remember it sinking, and the knot rose higher in his throat.

Phoenix sat forward on the couch, has hands between his legs, his head lowered between his shoulders. He felt guilty for the crying girl in the other room, but the bulk of the guilt lay in his continued dishonesty.
Why couldn’t I just tell her? She would have understood...

But would she have really understood? Maybe telling her would have only worsened the situation. Maybe she would have been insulted that Phoenix wasn’t honest with her after all this time. Maybe the lengthy affair he had been having with his well known adversairy was better left unknown.

But... I’m in love with him...

Phoenix sat for a long time in quiet contemplation. He glanced at Maya’s door every so often, wishing she would open it and walk out, and everything would be okay. He knew that wasn’t about to happen, he knew that what had just transpired was going to change everything.

He wondered what made Maya think that he even had any interest at all in her. Phoenix was confused at what actions he had made left any room for misinterpretation. Maybe it was the simple act of letting her live with him for so long. Maybe it was the kindness he had always extended. Or maybe she knew all along that her feelings for him were unrequited. Maybe she felt as though confessing to him would inspire the same feelings in him.

After a long time of sitting alone in the dark, Phoenix finally lifted himself off the couch, trailed towards the kitchen, and reached for his jacket that had been sprawled across a chair. He put it on quietly and carefully, and reached his hand into the inside breast pocket. He pulled out his cellphone, which had been strangely quiet that evening, and began hammering out a text message.

“I’m coming over, I hope you’re not busy. See you in a bit. Phoenix.”

He sent the message as quickly as he had written it, and he continued to stare at his bright cellphone screen long after the message had sent. He put the phone back into his pocket and searched around for his car keys. Finally, he felt the vibrations of the answer that had just arrived on his phone. He flipped the phone open, and winced at the light that cut the looming darkness around him.

“Of course I’m busy, I’m still the office! But that never stops you. Edgey.”

Phoenix smiled a bit at his partner’s sarcastic remark. He was always impressed at Edgeworth’s ability to write exactly the way he spoke in his text messages. He shoved the phone back into the pocket, and headed out the door. As he stood in the hallway, he closed the door and then rested upon it, and sighed. He said a silent apology to Maya in his head, and then made his way down the corridor. He knew not if he would return that night, he just hoped that Maya would not be crying when he did.


***************************************************************************


Phoenix arrived back at the apartment as late as ever. He winced as he looked at the time glowing back at him from his cellphone: 4:15am. It was going to be extremely difficult to drag himself out of bed at 7am that morning.

He grudgingly climbed up the stairs to his flat and fumbled through the keys to find the correct one. Once he located the key, he slit it into the slot, and found himself lingering there. He had almost let the events between Maya and himself that happened that night escape him. His mind had been transfixed upon the more recent events between him and Edgeworth. He smiled and chuckled slightly as Edgeworth’s face ran through his mind. He felt the butterflies once again rise as he rested his head against the apartment door.

How long would it be before he told Miles Edgeworth that he was in love with him? And did it even need to be said? He knew the day would come that he too would confess his true feelings, but he knew well enough that the outcome would be much more mutual than Maya’s one sided confession to Phoenix.

I’m in love with Miles Edgeworth...

The very thought excited Phoenix in ways he couldn’t even begin to describe. He knew in his heart that if he could only articulate this to Maya that she would understand. She wasn’t one to discriminate, and she loved both Phoenix and Edgeworth. Phoenix wished so desperately that he could have just told her that this was the case. He wanted her to know so desperately that he loved Maya, but not in the same way he loved Edgeworth.

A wave of regret washed over him.

Finally, Phoenix turned the knob to open the door. He didn’t need to nudge it open very far to feel the weight of Maya’s suitcase resting against the door. He recognized the weight instantly, and shut the door in front of him instead of opening it further.

Phoenix slid his back down the door until he was sitting on the floor. He sat there for an amount of time that he was unsure of, with his head resting across his knees. He pulled his cellphone out of his pocket, and flipped it open.

“It’s already too late...”

He pushed the “send” button and watched his words disappear into cyberspace, and his hopes for reconciliation went with them.




END


I hope you enjoyed :)

So many times I have opened up this blog with the soul intention of writing about Steph and how our relationship has diminished into nothing and how I'm actually quite content with that.


This... is one of those times.


I often find myself writing long, extravagent and dramatic entries about the subject, but by the time I'm done writing my muse is gone, and I feel like all I wrote was entierly worthless, so I delete it all.

And that's how I would sum up my relationship with Steph. Something I loved and poured my life into for so long, only to have it fade into something neither of us care about enough to hang on to, and we "delete" it like it was nothing to start with.

It's sad but it's true. We both seem to emit the same amount of bitterness towards eachother and the friendship we have destroyed, which we could easily mourne but choose not to.

I'm not interested in mourning it. Sometimes, getting away from someone is the only choice you have to save yourself and your sanity. I look at my life now, and my accomplishments, and my friends... and I am disgusted by where I was a year ago, and where my lost friend is in her life now.

Sure, I could sit here and pick apart every minute detail about her and her current life that she's leading that bothers the hell out of me, but I really couldn't be bothered.

The fact is, that it's not worth caring about. It's hard to care about someone who doesn't care about themselves.

It's hard to care about someone who seems to only care about the false persona that they've established for themselves if only to continue to look "cool".


"Hey,I heard that cocaine is the cool thing to do now. Guess you should hop on that bandwagon too, eh?"


Whatever. I refuse to go into any great details about this now or ever again. It's not worth my time, or the cyber-space that it would take up.



Moving on.



Phoenix Wright and Sculpture are consuming my life. All day and all night those are the only two things that go through my brain.

I have so little Phoenix Wright left... and so much sculpture due monday.

What a sad predicament.


Today, I came to school at 7:30am instead of sleeping until 12 because I have to finish a stupid drawing that I have to finish in 6 hours. I am not happy about this, but such is the fact of my new life.

I seriously hate drawing. This semester would be PERFECT if we only had Design and Sculpture. But nope, we have to have Drawing with the most crazy and angry individual I have ever met.

I don't like her very much.



Once again, my drivers test has been postponed, mostly because my Mom is an idiot and forgot that friday was the day, even though I've been telling her EVERY DAY for the past two weeks, so in a typical Mom fashion she took Monday off, thus fucking over friday.

And also, I have so much sculpture homework that I REALLY should stay at school that day and finish it.


Another weekend without the driving ability I guess. Oh well... the day will come.





And that's about all the real life news I have.
I'm tired and bitter and I can't wait for Reading Week, which is fastly approaching. Thank God.





And now, here's my entry for the Gyakutan Saiban Group's countdown to the release of Appolo Justice:

Okay so, I'm not exactly on time for this one because I'm starting off the countdown in the middle playing Justice for All, but seeing as though it takes me forever to do anything, I'm sure this will suffice.

I'm on chapter 3 and I'm just about the enter the last court session of that chapter. So far, I have not enjoyed this chapter. It's made me really laugh at a few parts, but I don't like any of the circus characters and it just seems like a really stupid storyline. I am thouroughly unimpressed with this one. The ONLY thing I have liked about it is the 5 second conversation with Franziska Von Karma about Edgeworth "dissapearing".

It kind of ticks me off that I'm going to be starting the last chapter tonight and I haven't gotten to see any Edgeworth yet! WTF?! Luckily for me though, I haven't had the ending of this game spoiled for me (magically, because Ive had all the rest of them spoiled) so I don't know where Edgey is and why he's gone (although Phoenix thinks he's dead, which I know isn't true... but it's still sad.) Hopefully tonight I'll get some answers, because I seriously miss Edgey. His lack of presence in this game makes it feel so empty. Hopefully he won't dissapear in Trials and Tribulations as well...


In other news, I'm excited to play Trials and Tribulations... although because of my constant internet prodding and spoiling the next two games for myself, I'm mostly looking forward to Apollo Justice now (simply because of what happens to Phoenix). I'm NOT looking forward to being someone OTHER than Phoenix, because I love him so much, but it seriously will be worth it.

Oh god, I can't wait.


PS: my Mom started playing Ace Attorney last night, and I'm so happy. I'll get to help her with it and live that game all over again <3

Who has an interview with PunkTV.ca to become a band interveiwer and webshow host?

Me. That's who. Because I fucking rule.


That would be SO awesome. Seriously. That would give me such a good push in the direction that I really want to go: e-fame.

Speaking of e-fame, Murphy and I are hard at work on our webshow. It's high time we got started! And it's also times like this that I have to sit back and recite the old phrase: it's not what you know, it's who.



In other news, school is so busy that it's starting to kill me. I don't have a moment to think during the day. At the very least, all my classes are studio classes, and when I go home at the end of the day, I get to actually go home and not have to do homework. Thank GOD. I enjoy my weeknights off more than I enjoy my weekends because all I do is work on the weekends... I don't even get to just sit on my ass, not take a shower, not do my hair and makeup, and sleep in till ungodly hours in the day, and do nothing but play Phoenix Wright.

That's like... my ultimate dream, but it's never happening. So, at least during the week when I get home at 5 or 6 I get to just throw on some pajamas and play my game with no thoughts or care until I have to go to bed.

God I love video games.

However, in between juggling classes, I'm trying and failing hard at juggling video games. I have not touched WoW this entire month. That's the biggest crime of the century. And the problem is I don't see me touching it any time soon because Phoenix Wright has its firm grasp on me.

I feel really bad for myself. I mean... I should be at LEAST level 40 by now, if I were playing it in any amount, but there I am... sitting at level 30... doing nothing but wasting precious e-space.

Oh well. It's Phoenix Wright time from now until the 4th game comes out (meaning until I'm finished playing the 3rd and 4th games!)



In other news, I didn't get my drivers license like I said I would, and goddamnit, I have a good excuse. The roads were so shitty that there really was no way for me to take it, so the date has been postponed until this friday (which is bad because I have tonnes of precious homework I should be doing during that time... meaning this date might just get pushed back again).

I really want it though, and the thought of getting it soon is killing me. I need to drive. This "not driving" thing is really taking its toll on me.

Not that I'd go out anymore than I already do, though. I have too much gaming to do at home ;)

I, Constant Readers... am an idiot.

I get myself into these big huge problems because I'm an idiot and my head is constantly in the clouds, and because of that I make huge mistakes and oversights and then once again, I look like ever the asshole.


I'm an idiot.



LUCKY, to counteract the fact that I'm a raging idiot full of lose and fail, I either must have really good luck or people just plain like me, because I'm endlessly getting that "second chance".

Never do I deserve these "second chances" and when I am giving them I straight up admit that I don't deserve it. But for some reason, they keep being given to me, and I keep taking them, and using them for all that they are worth.

There is no reason why I should get to go back to school tomorrow. I should have to face the music that I didn't pay my fees on time and I have been withdrawn from the program. My program chair already doesn't like me because I don't listen to her and don't "achieve to her standards" and she could very well just have told me to GTFO today and not to come back. But... she didn't. She informed me that I've been withdrawn due to the fact that I failed to pay the fees, but that she would allow me to pay them and have my place reinstated. I'm withdrawn from the program but she let me stay in class today and finish my painting. I mean... I don't deserve that. Especially not from Darci, and especially not after the conversation that transpired at our last one on one meeting.


And for what reason did this happen? "I just forgot".

It's really a "WAKE THE FUCK UP, KIM" moment for me. This time, it was pretty bad. Something really terrible could have happened to me today and it would have been MY fault. In fact, it still could happen, if Darci decided later that I don't deserve the chance she's giving me. (However I don't think she's going to do that)

But this is seriously the single moment where I have to fucking realize that I really do need to take control of my life. Darci was the first person to point out to me that I make excuses for everything. It's never my fault, it's always the fault of someone or something else. It's always "I forgot" or some other dumb reason that I seem to have stored away in my EXTENSIVE "Excuse" folder in my brain... it's never "this is my fault". And that... is pathetic. It's pathetic! It makes me into nothing more than a child that can't be held accountable for her actions.


No more. This can't go on anymore. I'm comprimising my future by "forgetting" things that I should never overlook. Everyone else can remember, I don't understand why I am incapable of being able to remember important things. But the fact is, and I KNOW it's the fact: I can't remember anything, especially school related things of importance, and I NEED to address that in a different, more aggressive manner. This is not working, and it can't go on anymore, because I'm comprimising things far too important due to my lack of a brain.


And saying that it's my lack of a brain that's causing this is an excuse. It's me, it's my fault, I actively forget when I COULD remember, I just don't try hard enough. I am apathetic towards EVERYTHING because, as I addressed in an earlier blog, I don't even fucking know if I even WANT to be here anymore.

Oh, who am I kidding? I DON'T want to be in school anymore. This is my second year of just schlepping through and I can hardly take being there for one more day. I'm tired of it. I want to be finished so I can actually start my life instead of WASTING my time somewhere where I am clearly not happy.

The last time I was truly and totally happy with my life was when I worked at Calder Batemen. WHY? Because it seemed like I was going somewhere with my life. I had a career and it was the career that I WANTED, and life made sense. Since going to school, NOTHING has made sense. It seems like I'm going to school now less for me and more for superficial things.


I want out. I want to go to Vancouver and start a life, a REAL life.

I want to take that ESL course in April and go to Japan and teach and NEVER COME BACK.

And those are two things that I ACTUALLY want to do with my life. Those are real and true goals for me. Staying at home until I'm 22 and doing nothing but going to school isn't. I know that "school will help prepare you for your future" but it has occurred to me that I don't entirely need school to be what I fricken intend on being.

At least... I hope to God that's what Johnny tells me when he calls me...


UGH I could go on and on.


I just feel really shitty about life and school right now and I just really wish a good oppurtunity would arise and I can get this little life started... But I think the point of this post is that... I need to MAKE it happen, not wait for it.

The problem with not being able to drive is that you become an automatic slave to those who can transport you to where you want and need to be.

I suppose that after 20 years of being ever the transportation whore, I'd be used to constant let downs and inconviniences... but to this day I am still filled with unrest because of it.

Well, Constant Readers, I have decided that this is the last straw. No more shall I miss out on fun events simply because I couldn't get a ride there... no sir. No more shall I spend every single night at home, clinging for dear life to my computer for some essence of a social life. I'm so sick of it.

Some days... my lack of personal transportation makes me hate my life. Of course, 6 years ago when I was 14 and could have easily acquired my learners... how could I have possibly forseen being a 20 year old living at home with my family, miles from anywhere with absolutely no social life? There's no way I could have known this would happen... but it did, and I'm ending it. THIS WEEKEND... I'm getting my licence. No amount of "ooh I'm broke" "ooh I have to work" is going to prevent me from doing so.

This not driving thing is affecting every single aspect of my life!

Karaoke on Wednesdays? Well, if Shawn isn't going, then so can't I!

School starts at 2:00pm? Well, I'll be there at 7:30am because that's the only time I can get into Edmonton!

Boyfriend? Well, I can't have one because how can I get to them?


Friends? They live in Edmonton, and aren't willing to come out to Spruce Grove to get me!


So, in short, I'm fucking sick of it, and I officially have the means of rising against it... so the time has come. If I want to be an adult in any way, or at least be able to form some lasting relationships, it's become apparent that I need to drive to make it happen.



/endrant


In other news, school has been going swimmingly so far. I have high hopes for this semester... but knowing me, I have high expectations for how I'm going to crash and burn. I am determined for this semester to be the semester that I actually apply myself and get good grades and impress myself and my teachers who have lost faith in me... but I'm so worried that I'll default back to my evil ways.

I can't let it happen. I need this. I need some A's on my transcript to prove that I'm not just a vagabond that some how managed to survive through two years of college.

Needless to say, I've really been trying to fight the old Kim who would just ignore everything being said to me and do my own thing, which often results in me accomplishing nothing and getting marks to reflect my apathy. In fact, I have successfully counterattacked some of the problems that I am highly aware of in me that have prevented me from acheiving any sort of good grades in the past.

I can't remember anything, but my cellphone can! I've been setting reminders for everything I've been told to remember this week... and trust me, they have bailed me out of big problems already. If all I need to do is remember to tell my cellphone to remember something for me... I might actually survive this semester!

Another big problem in the forgetfulness field is that I'd remember to bring something one day, and forget it the next day. How do we solve this problem? We get a locker! So, I finally have a locker, after almost 2 years of complaining about how much I need one. I shall no longer be the bag lady of the campus!

All in all, if I don't revert to my normal ways, then I will be safe this semester.




Sigh... so much to complain about, and so little time.

All I want to do this week is play Phoenix Wright and that's pretty much all I've been doing... because I decided that another big step in the getting good marks direction would be not working during the week anymore... I kind of regret that action, because now I'm going to be broke off my ass and quite frankly, all my classes are studio classes and I won't have much homework anyway and I am so goddamned bored as a result.


PLUS: less work means less Branden. I mean, I only see him once this week. After next week I'll have only seen him twice in three weeks. That fucking SUCKS. Of course, after this weekend I'll be able to drive meaning I'll be able to see him more outside of work but I mean GOD, I miss entire weeks filled with him. Days at work... nights at his house... then the next day at work together again...

He consumes my life, and when my life is lacking in Branden... it is very depressing.

At least I know he's sad without me too.

Anyway... after my last blog update about being pissed at him and at life for being lonely... I have had a much more postive outlook since.

The trouble with Branden is that well... he's still kind of in highschool. Even though he's almost and graduated, he's still taking a Japanese course and as a result, he has maintained the naive and self consumed highschool mentality that inevitably affects his insecure, highschool mind. Well, after next week he's done highschool forever and he's going to get a huge reality check that I know he's not prepared for.

Well, who really can be prepared for the affects of being graduated from highschool? I certainly wasn't... no one was. I'm still feeling the changes to my life and still slightly struggling with them... and it's been three years!

I just don't think that it's easy to be comfortable with the huge change to your social life... and realizing that you never were really close with that many people... and the people you ARE close with aren't close anymore... they just float around in the obscurity that is your social life.

Branden's used to having a million people, mostly including 16 year old girls, at his beck and call. In normal hghschool pretty boy fashion, he's used to being the centre of attention.

In a bittersweet sort of way... I can't wait for him to be out of highschool and join me in the loneliness that is being graduated and trapped in the country with no vehicle.


Well... he's getting a vehicle this month and I'll be driving pretty soon so at least we can be lonely together.



Man... there must be something wrong with me to thing in such a depraved matter. But now I understand why people like Stefan were kind of turned off by me when I was in highschool and he wasn't... the maturity factor is uncomparable. You think in grade 12 that you're so mature but really... you know fucking dick all about life, and there's no way for you to!

So, if I had to say one thing to grade 12 students it's that they should really enjoy their last year of highschool naivety, because it's pryed from them oh, so quickly.

But goddamnit... you can't hold on to it forever. When you're a month shy of 19 and you're still spending your days obsessing over clothes with your sweet sixteen primadonna friends, it's really time to grow up.



And that's coming from ME.

I don't have anything of outstanding significance to say today.

School started, and I am experiencing a renewed sense of faith in my craft. Art is hard... as Cursive says... but goddamnit, I love it to death.

I heart my art.

Tomorrow I have a phone call coming from my old art director who I've totally harbored a childish crush on all this time. I'm totally scared to talk to him. I'm totally scared that I'm going to sound like a complete idiot to him on the phone when he's trying to explain the ups and downs of the art world to me like he's supposed to.

I'm flattered that he wanted to call me though. I'm flattered that he took my completeley random flood of confusing life and art questions I sent his way out of no where and decided that he wouldn't just give me a small, quick message back about "oh, just finish school because that's what you're supposed to do" kind of thing. He's actually calling me... to talk to me... about "it all".

OH MY GOD I am so nervous to talk to him! It's as though I didn't talk to him every single day 2 years ago... as if he wasn't my boss or anything.

My totally gorgeous boss that I always prayed one day he'd saunter over to my desk and make suggestions of inter-office love making...

Sigh... how cute I was when I was an 18 year old career woman.

And how I haven't changed. Oh my. How I haven't changed...



In any case, that's about all the news I have.


My bird sings so beautifully when he's sleeping. I wish I could sing beautifully in my slumber.

That's it.

Okay, here it comes: a blog entry all about feelings. It was inevitable, so we might as well get it over with.


Fuck feelings.

Fuck them to hell, and fuck me too. Just fuck it all. What's the point even?

It's the story of my adult life: good old Kimberley, filled to the rim with feelings, and no one that wants to return them.

Some days I hate my life. Seriously. What is SO WRONG WITH ME that I can't just meet someone and be happy with them? Why does there always have to be piles of stipulations against it? Why doesn't anyone like me? Why doesn't anyone I LIKE like me? Why is it that the only people that fall for me are the needy, creepy guys that I don't even wanna be around for five seconds?

WHY CAN'T I HAVE SOMEONE?!

I want to be in a relationship so bad. It's been a year of HELL, seriously. Everywhere I look it seems everyone is hooking up, left, right and centre. People I'd never IMAGINE hooking up. And yet, I'm endlessly alone!

I have so much goddamn love to give, and no one wants it. Am I really that... different? Am I really such a horrible or undateble person that I can't just... meet someone?

And then... I meet the man of my dreams, and he says NO TO ME?! "I really like you... and I'm glad that you like me for ME, but I don't want a relationship right now."

YOU KNOW WHAT BRANDEN, FUCK YOU.

Because I found out like, 2 weeks later that, "Oh I like Kim, but I like Shelby better" is what Katie told me.


Which like, the other day turned into "Kariann... I want a relationship... but the girl I like is a psychotic, depressive chick".

LIKE...WHAT'S WRONG?! What is SO WRONG WITH ME?!

Is it seriously because I'm not perfect? Seriously? Because honestly... I have NEVER had so much in common with someone. I have never had a bond quite like this, and yet... I'm so disgusting that you won't be with me.

What the fuck.


And then on New Years... you're all over me all night... and we're just so goddamn perfect for eachother... and UGH. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?!


I am so sick of everything that has to do with relationships and feelings and all the CRAP that goes along with it. I'm sick of mixed signals and feeling like I have to travel to the other side of the planet to meet someone who actually wants to be with me.

And I'm sick of feeling like I need to be someone.

But after a year, I'm lonely! And I'm tired of being lonely! It's so... exhausting.

I think I'll starve myself, and become a perfect 10, and see if they want to date me THEN, and see if it's my body that they hate and not my personality.


And goddamnit, I think I'm perfect. I mean... GOD! I'm artistic and nice and a fucking GEEK and I like all the same things most guys like and what is WRONG WITH ME!? I ACTUALLY DON'T GET IT. I ACTUALLY DON'T.

I am so mad right now. Seriously. I am so sick of this.

Maybe I will move away and start from scratch. Move to Vancouver and lose a million pounds and start a new life with new people and maybe meet someone and fucking fall in love because it's about TIME.

Or run away to Japan and be with Kazu and live happily ever after.


Or maybe I'll be gay? I meet chicks really easily. But guys... just don't like me.

They just don't seem to dig chicks that are really pretty but not perfect 10s that are obsessed with video games and cool things like that. No, they just don't dig it.

Not even guys that are totally blinding geeks that have absolutely every single aspect of their life in common with me.



And I know it's not just me. It's Stephanie too. She's the same as me. We're more alike than we imagined. She's pretty, but not perfect, but is as geeky as me, and we've both been single for a year and both of us get fucked over all the time and it's just and endless circle.

It's a shame we don't see each other anymore, because maybe we're just meant to be together.




Fuck feelings... fuck em. I'm so sick of it.

I just wanna run away and start my career and live my life and I really wanna meet someone and fall in love and get married because I can't do this much longer.

I also want a new dog. I miss Kirby. I wish he didn't get eaten by the fox.



So... a boyfriend a new dog, one that doesn't get eaten by a fox. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK, GOD?!


Ugh.


I'm going to go play Phoenix Wright. He'd be an excellent boyfriend.

At least once a day during my many long hours of obsessive internetting... I think to myself, "I have a Livejournal, why don't I use it?"

I know exactly why I don't use it: I write in my Myspace blog. But why do I actually write there? People I definitely don't want reading my intimate thoughts are reading it because I, as usual, am subjected to e-stalking beyond all forms of belief, but I write there anyway. I censor everything I say in that blog, and it bothers the hell out of me.

If I wrote here, I could say whatever the hell I wanted to, and not feel the need to censor myself from the faceless readers that I have come to call my own "Constants".

Well, Constant Readers, call this "Official Uncensored, Unadulterated Blog Post Number 1" because Goddamnit, I'm not holding anything back.



So, for my first blog entry, I'm going to discuss the reasons why I feel so inclined to keep a blog in the first place.

We can start with the fact that I have a serious addiction to expelling my thoughts in any way, shape, or form. I've always been an Artistic Master of all Trades type person, and quite frankly I've always put writing at the top of my talent list. In fact, the more and more I dwell on it, the more I'd like to pursue a career in writing... even above art. In fact, the more and more I go along the more I realize that I'm only taking art in school to fill my time and feel like I'm accomplishing something.

I'm a good artist. I'm a great artist, and I know full well I am, but I have always had my eye on something bigger than where art can take me. I've known it since I was a toddler, I knew it all through highschool and Goddamn, I know it now more than ever that I want people out there to hear me. I want them to listen to what I have to say. I want these pent up observations and opinions and thoughts that I have poured into countless amounts of bedside journals (which I call "Eureka Books" for when I have nighttime eureka moments) to be broadcast for the world to see.

I have so much to say, and the internet is such a great place to say it.

But one day, I'd really like to say it and call it "My Life".

Some days, I feel as if I'm going fucking crazy. Some days, I feel like I'm losing my mind. All I do is think. That is all I do. I can't stop it... nothing I can do can stop it. I can't sleep at night, my thoughts keep me awake. All I do is think and then write about what I have been thinking and then think some more about writing.

All I do is think and plot about the great things that I CAN do... I just never fucking do them. I'm so lazy and distracted by the flashy things around me that I never fulfill my artistic calling because apathy has always been the disease that has destroyed me.



Well, I can't do it anymore. It's getting to the point that I feel as though I may explode if I keep this information inside of me for one more second. I'm starting to get such feelings of grandeur... how can I even know if they're nothing more than pipe dreams if I never set them into fruition?



Enough is enough. No more "oh, I don't have the means to do this now" because I've always had the means. I've been writing a show designed for Youtube for like, 6 months, and every single day I have thought about it. I've already handpicked who will be my "crew" and I know if we just ACTUALLY buckled down and filmed the fucking thing, we could be going somewhere. In fact, I already have my whole marketing package planned and who's strings I can pull to actually market me.

There's the Youtube show.
The website
The website's blog
The Myspace
There's the fucking internet.
And of course, there's the people in places that I need to know to do what I think I am destined to do.


Now if I just got off my ass for five fucking seconds... I could be going somewhere.

I could be something.

Because I know I'm meant for more than just the simple life. The simple life is not for me. I've lived it for 20 years and I am not comfortable with it. I have itchy feet and a heart full of burning desire.


And yet... I do nothing more than write personal blogs that perhaps 5 people might read.



No. No more. No fucking more. I am actually going to do this, because I'm sick of my apathy. I'm sick of pretending like what I'm doing in my daily life is good enough for me, because it isn't.



Oh God, I must seem so delusional.

And you know what? Maybe I am. I have never for one second thought that there wasn't a chance that maybe I was just crazy. Maybe I am. Some days, it feels like it.

Looking at the people around me who are happy with getting married and having babies young and not pursuing anything make me feel crazy. To say to my friend who's getting married in May that what he's doing isn't good enough for me, makes me feel crazy. Looking at my parents and their life... makes me feel crazy.

So... maybe crazy is the key?


I guess I'll never know until I do what I need to do.

In any case, I think what I SHOULD do I fucking build a one room shack in seclusion in the mountains and just hide there for 6 months and write. Probably... that's the best idea for me ever.


But...whatever. You won't read this, because you don't care.

Because I haven't done anything for you to care....yet.